It Feels Real Good

I havent talked about boners on here in a while so I figured it would be a good time to post something that is truly boner-worthy.

Check out what’s been giving me boners lately after the jump.

What I Saw Vs. What I Thought It Must Have Been About

This one is a little different. In this one I saw the headline on my Google Reader and didn’t click over to see the article until I imagined what it was about in my head.

Here’s what the headline said:

What I Saw vs. What It Actually Says II

While getting caught up on the news, here’s what I thought I saw:

The Case Against Robots

[I took a course in Rhetoric in University. This is what I submitted as my final essay.]

My dear fellow citizens, human citizens that is, the time for change is upon us! The time has finally come where we must stand up and take back from our oppressors what is rightfully ours: our freedom. It has been seventeen long years since the mechanical uprising that resulted in this total human enslavement. But here, in the year 2137 of our Lord (or year 17 of our robot Lord, depending on which calendar you follow) I beseech you to join me in the reclaiming of our freedom.

Archie Comics All Grown Up

[Here's a few panels of an Archie Comic that I effed with.]

Letters From The Resistance

Dearest Jessica,

Sadly, this letter may be my last. The war against the robotic army is not going as well as we had initially thought and I fear that the end of rebellion, as well as my life is much too near. The Robotic Army are relentless with their precision weaponry and limitless firepower.

What I Saw vs. What It Actually Says

[This is a new feature I decided to start to share with the world how terrible I am at reading. Whenever I find something that I clearly misread, I'll post the original version as well as the version that I thought I saw.]

Love Knows No Wires

[I saw this when I was setting up my Internet when I first moved in to my place about a year ago. It made me want to move.]

Preparing For the Robocracy

[Written By Public Relationsbot R54]

As technology launches us ever further into the early 21^st century, there is a growing need to make one’s lifestyle more adaptable to its changes. And preparing for submission to the newly acclaimed robot government is no exception.  It’s no secret that in addition to our promises of sweeping tax reform, the Binary Party is also going to include the day-to-day lives of citizens in its mandate. The new government will be involved in citizens’ lives up to, and including Human Slaver. There is no doubt that the emotion-filled and slothful days of yore are deleted. But, with a few simple lifestyle changes, anyone can find their welcome file and open it for the new Robocracy and still feel comfortable.

Response to My Letter from Intellicorp Regarding My Requests for a Custom Robot

Dear Mr. Peever,

I regret to inform you that we will not be able to fill your request that we received earlier this month. At this time, Intellicorp is not specializing in sale of its products to private citizens.

Clearing My Conscience

[This is a confession I wrote several years ago.]

Certain things happen in a man’s life that he does or must do that later, he regrets. Such actions are often unavoidable, but more often are intentional. Nevertheless, eventually the guilt weighs down too hard, and one must get it off his chest. Having said that, I would like to confess to the public the following errors I have made, with the hope that afterwards, I can move on and continue with my life.

Racist Cartoon

[Here is a racist cartoon I made one night, probably while I was drunk or watching the history channel or something.]

Channel Surfing

How could there possibly be a downside to this?

Welcome To Heaven

Excuse me, sir. Does a velvet rope mean nothing to you? It means back the hell off. I’ll let you in when we’re good and ready for you. Look, I don’t have to take this kind of abuse from you. I can go in and out of there whenever I want, dick around on any cloud I want, and eat all the Kraft Dinner I want. It’s you who needs me to get in. Now how about you just stand here and wait until we want to let you in. Patience is a virtue, motherfucker.

Welcome To Hell

Well hello there, we’ve been expecting you. This? Oh well, this is Hell, my naïve friend, and it is where you will be spending an eternity. I don’t know specifically why you’re here but you must have done something wrong while you were alive to end up with me. Oh yeah, I should mention: you’re dead. You died. From the looks of you, you didn’t go peacefully. But I guess it’s better to go down in a blaze of glory and have it be front page material than to die alone watching M*A*S*H re-runs and not have anyone give a shit.